Donald Trump wakes up in Vietnam and finds out his entire life has gone to hell

| 9:00 am EST February 27, 2019
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Donald Trump finally did today what he’d previously gone so far out of his way to avoid earlier in his life: he woke up in Vietnam. The five time draft dodger is now in Vietnam for a pointless meeting with Kim Jong Un that appears to be little more than an excuse to meet with his Kremlin handler while he’s there. After Trump got a look at what had transpired in the United States while he was sleeping, suffice it to say that he might be tempted to just stay in Vietnam permanently.

The current time in Hanoi is twelve hours removed from that of Washington DC, so Donald Trump slept through Tuesday’s news cycle. That means he missed the part where Robert Mueller won a major victory in court. He missed the part where his ally Jacob Wohl got banned from Twitter. He missed the part where his other ally Matt Gaetz set himself on fire. And he missed the part where his other ally Matt Whitaker is apparently no longer his ally. But that’s just the half of it.

While Donald Trump was sleeping, Michael Cohen let it be known that he has documents from Trump’s accountant which implicate Trump in tax fraud. Somewhere in there, Cohen also revealed that he has a check signed by Trump that was explicitly to pay him for committing a crime on Trump’s behalf. Oh, and former U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder announced that, in his highly influential opinion, Trump can be indicted while he’s still in office.

In other words, Donald Trump woke up to some of the worst news he’s ever faced. And it’s about to get worse, because even as Trump stays up all night in Vietnam watching Michael Cohen’s testimony today, he’s going to see himself destroyed on live national television by his own former top henchman. Trump really should consider just staying in Vietnam for good.