Rudy Giuliani declares victory

| 4:16 pm EDT May 4, 2018
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Rudy Giuliani is now the football player who ran on to the field at the wrong time, tripped over three of his own teammates, grabbed the football, ran into the wrong end zone, scored points for the other team, danced around in celebration until his pants fell down, and then bragged about how he nailed it. No really. After one of the most bizarre mistakes any attorney has ever made on behalf of any client, Giuliani is now claiming he’s magically fixed Donald Trump’s problems.

Giuliani went on Fox News and admitted that Donald Trump had indeed reimbursed Michael Cohen for the $130,000 in hush money he paid to Stormy Daniels during the election. This means Trump committed multiple financial felonies. Legal experts and political observers were stunned at the irreparable damage Giuliani had just done to Trump’s hopes of avoiding prison. Rudy insisted that Trump had signed of on the proverbial suicide pact. Trump then nervously tweeted out a statement written by one of his other attorneys, which tried to downplay the significance of the felony confession. Even as everyone tries to figure out how much more quickly this will cause Trump’s ouster, Rudy is insisting he’s put the scandal to bed entirely.

Here’s what Giuliani has said to ABC News about the federal criminal investigation into the Michael Cohen payoff: “I think the investigation with him largely fell apart, with the loss of the campaign finance possible violation which never existed in the first place, but they sure thought it did.” Wait, this is a real quote from the real Rudy Giuliani? Because it reads like something from The Onion.

If Rudy Giuliani truly believes that he’s somehow made the federal investigation into Michael Cohen go away, then he needs to be immediately hauled away in a straitjacket for his own safety. The only thing Rudy has done is make 100% certain that Cohen is going to prison unless he cuts a plea deal against Trump.