Donald Trump’s unconscious confession

| 7:00 pm EDT April 12, 2021
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As many of you already know, Former Guy has abandoned his brand, the thing he put on everything — like ketchup — from steaks and hotels to failed universities and stimulus checks. I’m referring to his name. Trump’s name has become as toxic for him as it has for the rest of us. So like Johnny Rivers’ secret agent man, they’re giving him a number and taking away his name. That number is 45.

That’s right, Trump’s PAC can now be accessed at SaveAmerica45.com. All of his old tweets can now be found archived at @WhiteHouse45. There is now a freestanding plaque at the corner of his Mar-a-Lago desk (pathetically fashioned to resemble the Resolute Desk) emblazoned with the giant number “45.”

But there’s a problem with that and I don’t think Trump and his advisors are aware of it. Or at least they haven’t thought the rebranding through. It’s what I call the Grover Cleveland Conundrum, and either Trump doesn’t know about it and he’s made a major rebranding error, or he’s aware of it and he’s just made a major confession.

You see, there have been exactly 45 men who have occupied the office of President of the United States, not 46 as many people think. The reason for this is thanks to Grover Cleveland, who was the 22nd and the 24th President of the United States. The reason for this is because President Cleveland was a two term president but his terms were not consecutive. Benjamin Harrison was the interregnum 23rd president between Cleveland’s first term and second term.

“So what?” you may be asking. The “so what” part is, if Trump is re-elected president, as he keeps telling everyone he will be, he will be assigned a new presidential succession number, 47, not 45. So all his efforts to rebrand himself will lead to naught — if reelection is truly his goal.

Like most things Trump does, he really didn’t think his rebranding strategy through. He’s either guilty of extreme stupidity or he’s confessing that he’s really not serious about running for president again in 2024. Either way it’s a classic (and typical) Trump screwup. The man can’t do anything right.

I know it’s popular to give Trump all kinds of credit for various ingenious talents, including branding. Even Bill Clinton referred to Former Guy as a “master brander.” I’m sorry, but I beg to differ. A truly masterful brander would have already figured out that adopting the new brand 45 would have been a mistake. Had he picked “47” instead I might have begrudgingly given him credit for at least some ingenuity.

As it is, Trump either screwed up or told us what the smart ones among us already know: his chances of ever being reelected president of the United States are too small to seriously consider. Whichever one it is, I’m happy to let Trump have the number 45. It reminds me of the beginning of a prison number, and that, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, comrades and friends, is a very good start. And, as ever, stay safe.