The Republican clown car sputters out of the gate

| 10:00 pm EDT May 31, 2023
Dear Palmer Report readers, we all understand the difficult era we're heading into. Major media outlets are caving to Trump already. Even the internet itself and publishing platforms may be at risk. But Palmer Report is nonetheless going to lead the fight. We're funding our 2025 operating expenses now, so we can keep publishing no matter what happens. I'm asking you to contribute if you can, because the stakes are just so high. You can donate here.

The great Republican loon-fest has arrived! Get your tickets. Grab the popcorn! The loon-fest has arrived! I refer to the shitshow that is the GOP Presidential nomination process. And oh, what a festival of creeps this guarantees to be! Creeps. Zombies and more.

Funhouse mirrors featuring distorted Republican monsters! Haunted houses filled with the tired spirits of GOP also-rans! It’s a carnival to end all carnivals! It’s worthy of the hottest, most delicious buttered popcorn. It’s worthy of the sweetest cotton candy! Let the show begin!

We have Ron DeSantis as one of its stars. He is the ghost of failed computer chips, of technology gone awry. And he is being haunted by Carnival barker Nikki Haley, who is terrified of chief monster Donald Trump and is doing the next best thing attacking Ron!

Monster Ron is on a roller coaster as he struggles against the incoming creep show. Will he be able to escape? Do we really WANT him to escape?

But wait! There’s more. Tim Scott has been rendered spellbound by these monsters. He recently spoke to Newsmax — NEWSMAX — who is supposed to be his friend – and he could barely answer THEIR questions. Yes, someone has put a spell on Tim Scott in the communications department. But wait! There’s more.

Donald Trump and his gruesome son are giving DeSantis a tongue-lashing. This gruesome twosome has become to a threesome with Junior’s galpal Kimberly jumping into the mix to taunt monster DeSantis.

But wait! Chris Christie is about to jump on the merry-go-round. And you KNOW what that means. Christie has a sadistic streak and will use his tongue to destroy anyone and everyone who even gets close! And though he may not win himself, he has the potential to take down a lot of monsters.

Remember! Remember the last carnival when Robot Rubio suffered a malfunction and began repeating himself ? Christie did that! And he’s looking to do that to someone else. Who will it be?

But wait! In a separate attempt to reclaim his title as a chief monster from hell, Ron DeSantis has announced he will end workeism. But what exactly IS that? Nobody seems to know. The GOP looks asleep when it comes to answering THAT question.

Perhaps DeSantis took a bite from the candy apple, which made him bananas because nobody seems to know what he was talking about! Even Ron. And let’s not forget the chief maniac, Trump. He waits in the house of mirrors. He doesn’t wield an ax but he wields Truth Social, which, to frightened Republican zombies, is just as bad. And he is just waiting to humiliate the candidates.

The roller coaster is heading toward the end of the mountain, bringing carnival ghouls, creeps, beasts, and monsters with it. It will be a bumpy ride as the Republican primary gets sizzling! And we, the attendees will be watching with amusement, repulsion and a lot of laughter.

Dear Palmer Report readers, we all understand the difficult era we're heading into. Major media outlets are caving to Trump already. Even the internet itself and publishing platforms may be at risk. But Palmer Report is nonetheless going to lead the fight. We're funding our 2025 operating expenses now, so we can keep publishing no matter what happens. I'm asking you to contribute if you can, because the stakes are just so high. You can donate here.