The real monsters in Springfield

| 7:29 pm EDT September 26, 2024
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\I have decided that, from now on, if anyone should ask what I “do,” I am going to tell them I am a political cryptozoologist. That is, I study and attempt to render harmless big, ugly and scary political animals. But unlike regular cryptozoologists, who search for mythical creatures such as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, my quarry actually exists. Ten years ago no one would have believed they did. Now we know better.

Take (in every sense of the word) the Springfield Monsters Donald Trump and the dybbuk we laughingly refer to as his running mate, JD Vance. Their daily exploits in the cause of pointless stupidity frequently and astonishingly outdo their shenanigans of the previous day. Just when you think they couldn’t get worse or be more ridiculous — they find a way. Nobody seems to be prepared for how stupid, hateful and dispiritingly absurd they can get. Nobody ever seems to know what to do about it.

Until now. The Haitian Bridge Alliance (HBA), a 501(c) grassroots nonprofit community organisation that advocates for fair and humane immigration policies, recently took action that the local prosecutor of Springfield, Ohio, lacks the gumption or imagination to take. They have brought criminal charges against Trump and Vance.

Specifically, they have charged those two, ah, “gentlemen” with disrupting public services, making false alarms, telecommunications harassment, aggravated menacing and complicity. The filing asks the Clark County Municipal Court to affirm that there is probable cause to issue arrest warrants against Trump and Vance.

In Ohio, charges brought by private citizens or private entities are rare but not entirely unheard of. For example, a grocery store manager can bring charges against a customer for a bounced check. State law requires a hearing to take place before the affidavit can move forward. As of Tuesday afternoon, none has yet been scheduled for charges against Trump and Vance.

Trump and Vance have both untruthfully alleged that all Haitian residents are living in Springfield illegally. They have falsely claimed with malicious intent that those residents are killing and eating the household pets of white residents. None of this is true, of course, and is a lie based on a wholly fabricated allegation that has since been withdrawn. But because Trump never backs down, and his sock-puppet Vance always supports him, they have both continued to double and triple down on this egregious and damaging lie.

And damaging it is. More than 30 bomb threats were directed at state and local government buildings and schools as a result of their lies, prompting closures, the assignment of additional law enforcement protection and security cameras. Some of the city’s Haitian residents have also said they feared for their safety as public vitriol against them continues to grow. Springfield Mayor Rob Rue has also received death threats.

The HBA attorney Subodh Chandra said, “If it were anyone else other than Trump and Vance who had done what they’ve done — wreak havoc on Springfield, resulting in bomb threats, evacuated and closed government buildings and schools, threats to the mayor and his family — they would have been arrested by now. They are not above the law.”

Chandra further noted that the US Supreme Court’s July ruling granting presidents broad immunity from criminal prosecution does not apply in this case, because Trump is currently a private citizen and Vance was not acting in his capacity as an Ohio Senator. Trump, who is an old hand at being criminally charged, will probably laugh at the whole thing. But if a hearing affirms the charges and the affidavit moves forward it could force both to go to Ohio and face indictment. Trump has already vowed to come to Springfield to hold one of his many Nuremberg-variety Nazi rallies.

Meanwhile, this political cryptozoologist sits in England and shakes his head in wonderment. Never before did I imagine that such creatures as Trump and Vance were possible. If you’d told me about them ten years ago I would have sooner believed in Bigfoot or Nessie. And yet, here they are, spreading chaos across the land, and a few brave souls are prepared to stand against them. And, as ever, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, comrades and friends, stay safe.