The end of Kristi Noem

| 6:00 pm EDT May 1, 2024
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Pity the poor MAGA sociopathic politician. They must pick their way gingerly through the world. On one side is Donald Trump, a man whose approving attention they desperately crave. On the other is the world of normal men and women, men and women who have real compassion and real consciences, men and women who know instinctively how to behave appropriately in public. For the MAGA sociopath, life is an endless razor-thin tightrope walk between imitation of their Dear Leader and the barest counterfeit normality.

Sooner or later many of them step over a line and inevitably do something obscene or stupid or both, like Loren Boebert in the audience of “Beetlejuice.” It’s a trap that awaits every dead-eyed, soulless MAGA politician. Within certain limits they can get away with being cruel to people, as long as it’s the “right” kind of people. Laying razor wire in the Rio Grande to catch and kill “illegal” aliens and their children, for example. But even in the world of MAGA there are limits.

When South Dakota governor Kristi Noem boasted in writing that she once dragged her exuberant, desperate-to-please puppy to a gravel pit and murdered her, most of MAGA joined the rest of us and rose up in a single voice of outraged fury. Noem went too far because she lacked the most fundamental human qualities. She didn’t know what the limits were because she isn’t a human being in the first place, and it shows.

Had Noem paid attention she might have figured it out for herself. She certainly didn’t lack help. For example, she ought to have remembered two tweets. One was written on September 26th of last year by a MAGA creep. It said, “[Joe Biden’s dog] Commander Biden bites another secret service agent, the 11th such incident. No such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner.” Then there’s this tweet from February of this year from the same account: “Biden’s dog Commander bit secret service personnel in at least 24 incidents. Experts say there are no bad dogs, just bad owners. I agree.”

Wait a minute, you reasonably ask, how is a busy, sociopathic governor supposed to keep track of every tweet posted by every MAGA loony? Doesn’t she have other evil duties to perform? Good question. And there is an answer. She should have known about those two tweets because the author of those tweets was none other than Corey Lewandowski, the notorious Trump creep. Corey Lewandowski, the man with whom the married, “God-fearing,” “Christian woman” Kristi Noem reportedly engaged in a years long extra-marital affair.

That’s right, “born again” Kristi allegedly cheated on her husband. For years. The father of her children. The man to whom she sacredly vowed to remain faithful.

At this point and in a sane world I would ordinarily be able to write the political epitaph of Kristi Noem. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that MAGA politicians are vampires, members of the undead. They are very difficult to kill.

But if this is truly the end for Noem, if she really has committed ultimate political suicide, I regret that the wooden stake in her heart came at the expense of an innocent puppy, a puppy who meant well, who only wanted to play, who only wanted to love and be loved. And, as ever, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, comrades and friends, stay safe.