The real reason Putin just deputized Steven Seagal against the United States

| 3:15 pm EDT August 6, 2018
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Now that Maria Butina has been exposed as a weakling unable to hold her vodka, Vladimir Putin requires a new poster child for the Kremlin. Much like Donald Trump, Putin has a hard time getting A-list celebrities, but hey, Steven Seagal voluntarily became a Russian citizen in November of 2016. Yes, that’s the same time as the U.S. elections, coincidentally enough – and now Putin has tapped Seagal to as a diplomat to improve U.S.-Russia relations. So what’s really going on here?

Seagal is best known for his leading roles in a string of cheesy action movies from the 80’s and 90’s. He started out as a semi-legitimate Aikido 7th-dan black belt and opened the first foreign owned Aikido dojo in Japan. Reportedly, Seagal told people he studied under legendary Aikido founder, Morihei Ueshiba, but others say this is patently false. Eventually Seagal parlayed his talent into a successful movie franchise in which he was the presiding hero who saved the day from the “bad” guys. It is just the kind of typical blockbuster machismo that would appeal to Putin and the average Russian domestic abuser.
Realistically, Seagal is a washed-out Hollywood “has been,” a sexual predator and a complete poser. Already dubbed as the worst host ever on SNL, unfortunately for Steven, the formulaic, blow ‘em up blockbusters he was known for started to go direct to video, then downgraded to made-for-TV, and finally devolved into made-for-DVD. As he looked for additional streams of income he delved into a variety of side projects such as singing, energy drinks, and an aftershave called “Scent of Action”. He also promoted weapons, including a Russian manufacturer of firearms called “ORSIS”.

Seagal is Buddhist and attempted to capitalize on the ‘Eastern Mystic’ part of his persona but that stirred up controversy because from the face of it, Seagal is an abuser, not a man of peace. There have been multiple allegations of sexual abuse filed by women who worked with Seagal. One accused him of beating her up but the case was dismissed. Seagal has also been accused of sexual trafficking, rape and sexual discrimination in the workplace. But at least he supports the safety of baby elephants, so… what a guy. No wonder Putin wanted him.

Steven Seagal has called Putin one of the greatest leaders in the world and even pledged his allegiance. He was banned from Ukraine and is now Putin’s latest tool in Putin’s attack on its legitimacy. The most unbelievable part of this story though, is that Putin actually believes Americans give a crap about Steven Seagal’s trumped up diplomatic value. However, at this point, the real reason is that Putin probably can’t find anyone more relevant.