Donald Trump finally returns to Twitter, has completely psychotic meltdown

| 7:00 pm EST January 9, 2020
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Donald Trump disappeared from Twitter for about a day and a half, during which time he used his only public appearance to make up fake words and give the impression that he has one and a half feet in the grave. Today, Trump tried to get back on the horse – but he’d have done far better if he’d just stayed in bed, or whatever it was he’d been doing while he was hiding from everyone.

Trump started off the day by tweeting “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” in all caps, which is generally a sign that he’s in a particularly agitated and/or psychotic mood. He then went on to attack Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff, before appearing to take credit for a reduction in the cancer death rate. But then Trump shifted from the offensive to the simply absurd.

Trump posted this tweet, which would have been incoherently deranged even if he hadn’t included a “409K” – whatever that might be: “STOCK MARKET AT ALL-TIME HIGH! HOW ARE YOUR 401K’S DOING? 70%, 80%, 90% up? Only 50% up! What are you doing wrong?” Later his handlers deleted the tweet and changed it to “401K” accordingly.

So now Donald Trump has gone from speaking gibberish like “tolerided” and “accompliment shades” to tweeting gibberish like “409K.” Then again, if Trump thinks you’re supposed to put money into a 409K, it could help explain why he’s gone bankrupt so many times.