MAY DAY

| 11:00 pm EST November 8, 2019
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In the middle of a long meltdown on the White House lawn today, Russian Puppet Donald Trump made it clear to reporters that he “would love” to accept Vladimir Putin’s invitation to attend Russia’s Victory Day parade next May. The only possible reason Trump cited as to why he might not go is scheduling, given that it falls “right in the middle of our campaign season.”

Although the parade will commemorate the 75th anniversary of the Allies’ victory over Nazi Germany, it will promote the Russian government and its ideals. Since that happens to be what Trump does for a living, it is no wonder he hopes to attend. And why shouldn’t the U.S. President go? After all, it was just “somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds” who hacked the 2016 election, right?

Responding to this new development, Sen. Kamala Harris tweeted: “Always nice to spend time with supporters on the campaign trail.” As it turns out, Harris’ quip is even more accurate than one might think, thanks to some interesting investigative reporting by Judd Legum of Popular Information.

Legum wondered why Trump repeatedly lures fans to make campaign donations in return for a chance to win a meal with him (including free travel and accommodations), yet we never hear about or see photos of the winners. After looking into at least 15 such contests the Trump campaign has run over the past year, Legum reported on Monday that he found no evidence that anyone has ever won. In a follow-up post on Wednesday, Legum then declared one contest for a September 26th breakfast in New York to be an outright “fraud.” Although this contest named a winner, she did not actually sit down to eat with Trump, but only “was later permitted to take a photo” with the ogre.

Former White House ethics attorney Richard Painter offered his insight on this latest scandal: “You’re raising campaign cash, you’re lying to people,” he told Newsweek. “If you obtain money from people through false pretenses, that’s a violation of federal mail fraud and wire fraud statutes.”

This pettiness is so typical of Trump world: shocking yet not at all surprising. Not only does this reek of Trump’s trademark stinginess, but it also reminds us how aloof and disconnected from humanity Trump is—even to the point of being incapable of pretending that he cares about his base. As the impeachment inquiry proves increasingly damning for Trump, his campaign may soon need to consider running contests to meet Trump for meals in prison. Bon appétit.