Donald Trump’s unhinged shortlist

Attention all suck-ups, sycophants, idolaters and idiots, it appears that Donald Trump’s Vice Presidential Shortlist is out, and if your name isn’t Kristi Noem or Tim Scott, you ain’t on it. So you may now remove your shameless lips from Donald Trump’s corpulent, flatulent ass and go home. There is no longer any need for any of you to genuflect every time Trump’s name is mentioned.

After careful consideration and weeks of vetting the fine selection of prospects that would best suit the country, balance the ticket and bring to the table the greatest combination of talent, experience and intelligence, Team Trump has finally narrowed the tantalising choice down to those two prospects.

Nah, just kidding. Trump picked those two assholes because they’ve kissed Trump’s butt more than anyone else. Donald Trump’s priorities and antipathies boil down to just that. America’s biggest narcissist cares only about himself. The fact that both candidates for his shortlist are a couple of talent-free yo-yos is a feature, not a bug. After all, he doesn’t want any candidate outshining him with their sparkling personalities now, does he? Think Mike Pence.

“Kristi Noem has been incredible fighting for me,” Trump said of the South Dakota governor to Fox News host Maria “Three Sheets to the Wind” Bartiromo. “She said ‘I’d never run against him because I can’t beat him.’ That was a very nice thing to say.” Isn’t that special?

Trump had this to add about junior South Carolina Senator Scott: “I called Tim Scott and I told him ‘you’re a much better candidate for me than you are for yourself.’” I’m still trying to work that one out. Whatever it means, Trump is clearly impressed with Scott’s usefulness as a snivelling little worm and lickspittle, which is finally the point.

The salient part to all this is that Trump’s sole criterion for Veep is who kisses his ass the most. Despite the usual practice of picking the Veep the day before or the day after the first day of the convention, don’t be surprised if Trump announces his final choice between the two much sooner. It’s an attention-grabbing device, and with Trump running out of sidewalk, it’s not clear whether or not he will still be treading that particular path come late summer anyway.

Besides, for those paying attention, even Trump’s prospective choice of Vice Presidents once again showcases the inescapable fact that when it comes right down to it, there really isn’t much to say about him. He’s all impulse and transaction. It’s why there’s never anything about him to differentiate Trump as a human being.

Maybe in the truest sense of the idea he isn’t one. Trump never reflects, he just acts. He’s like one of those old Chatty Cathy dolls: pull the string, out comes a predictable range of responses.

Disgusting and horrifying as it may sound, Trump’s vulgar impulses are best symbolised by his treatment of E Jean Carroll. He saw her, he had a selfish need, he raped her. He’s not a human being or any kind of animal. He’s a thing. Insofar as a thing can be said to want something, he wants to be president again. And, as ever, ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, comrades and friends, stay safe.