Assolini strikes again

| 8:00 pm EST December 13, 2024
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Congratulations to Individual One for snagging Time Magazine’s Person of the year! This is a reminder that Time Magazine hasn’t been relevant in years, made a terrible decision, and will probably lose even more readers! Hip, hip, hooray!

I would like to offer my own award to Assolini. Let’s give him the Person of the Sneer Award. That angry, criminally insane sneer, miserable glare, that orange nest on his head, looking for all the world like the remains of a food fight between some Doritos and cheez its.

Yes, Donnie, your sneer has made history. I refer to your mugshot. After all — it isn’t every day that a President is impeached twice, indicted on multiple felony accounts, and gets their own personal mugshot, which will, of course, be added to all history books the republican party hasn’t banned.

And let’s celebrate your brain, Donald, for such a brain as this has rarely been seen! It’s the brain that has seen better daze, to be sure. It’s a brain that’s fallen, and the road to getting up is long and arduous.

And yes, Donnie, all those threats you’ve made to journalists! But how will you know whom to go after and which reporters are against you? After all, it’s not like you read or anything. I suspect you may not even know how to read.

Congratulations, Donald Trump, for all the nicknames people have assigned you. From Putin’s poodle to IQ4.5, from Mar-a-Lard-ass to Old Smeller, they are all highly unique and original, that’s for sure.

Congratulations on bullying the sheep who comprise your party. How does Melamia feel about your win? How do Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz feel? Have they spoken about it all, or are they waiting for the cult handlers to tell them it’s OK to talk?

Congratulations, Donnie Do-Little. But frankly we are all a bit concerned about you. You are not looking spiffy at all these days.

You are starting to look like a lemon that got all the juice sucked out and is now limp and rotten. How on earth will you govern? This is the THING that Time gave this award to—Fortunately, so few people read Time, that it really doesn’t matter much.