Donald Trump’s day from hell

| 10:00 pm EST March 3, 2019
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“I am an innocent man…” Donald Trump tweeted these words earlier today. This is professional-grade whining as only Trump can whine. But now with an overriding edge of Defcon-1 panic. Is this a seismic shift? Well, let’s see. Adam Schiff, who is one of the chillest members of Congress to ever grace its halls, is now saying there is definite evidence of Trump/Russia collusion. The U.S. House is launching a probe into possible obstruction by Trump, and Senate Intel Committee ranking member Mark Warner is all out saying they have found, “enormous amounts of evidence” of potential collusion with the Trump campaign and Russia.

Let’s see. There’s also the fact that daughter-wife Ivanka has been named by Cohen as a person who should give testimony to Congress, Jared Kushner is fighting a wave of outrage after he was anointed with a Top Secret clearance, and finally there’s Donald Trump Jr doing what he usually does. Let’s just say in the words of a thug, it don’t look good.

And speaking of thugs, we now top off the week with of all things, Matthew Calamari. From lowlife bodyguard to glamorous Chief Operating Officer for the Trump Organization, Mr. Calamari embodies the American Dream of climbing the corporate ladder. And he did it all with the promise to kill for Trump, and a Ron Jeremy porn ‘stache. He’ll probably be speaking to the House Oversight Committee too, and that’s saying a lot given how he chokes in public speaking, and has a marked tendency to lose his train of thought.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has pegged him as a witness to Donald Trump inflating assets in order to get bank loans. If he gets called in, it will be painful to watch. He stammers. He chokes. But it will be absolutely stache-tastic. (Take all the time you need, Matty. We’ll wait. In fact, we can’t wait to wait!) Oh, and did you know Matthew Calamari budded off and produced a Matthew Calamari, Jr.? He’s now the Corporate Director of Security for the Trump Organization. I’d like to hear him stammer under oath too.